Let me say this folks, Bone speaks only for himself in that awful blog debut. He looks at ol’ BM’s broadcasting style as harmful and degrading to knowledgeable sports fans but I have a different view. Watching and listening to BM call a game is like looking into the eyes of little, infant baby Jesus. I’m overcome with an unmatched sense of awe and wonder, amazement and enlightenment.
What Bone calls favoritism, I call patriotism. Look at our mighty president, for example people. He obviously favors his ideas over anyone else, and he clearly has defined that behavior as an act of patriotism. Therefore, BM’s undying love for QB controversies in Columbus or sentences that start with “Mack Brown once told me…” are shinning beams of patriotism within the axis of sportscasting evil.
And I’m not alone in the crusade to spread the Good News being preached by The Burger. I am joined on this mission by Dicks. That’s right pardners; Dick's Sporting Goods is running a television campaign called "Heart"utilizing BM’s powerful influence to sell shoes, bats, shin guards and cups[1]. Brilliant…Brilliant I say. I was sitting on the couch with Wife No. 1 when we saw the commercial, and I immediately leapt up from my reclined state and demanded we go buy sporting equipment. I didn’t need anything, but need was not the point. The Burger spoke to me and I was not going to let him down. So I jumped in the car and drove immediately to Big 5 Sporting Goods. We’re Dick-less in Seattle, but that wasn’t going to prevent me from my mission of purchasi
ng a badminton set[2], some whiffle balls and 3-pack of tube socks.
And buckle your seat belt because more patriotism is coming your way this baseball season, specifically tomorrow, as BM makes his glorious return to the MLB broadcast booth at Wrigley field for Brewers-Cubs game on ESPN. Here’s why this is significant. This is BM’s first baseball gig since Game 5 of the 1995 ALDS…aka…the single greatest sports moment of my lifetime. Edgar Martinez lines a double down the left field line off Jack McDowell and a blazing Ken Griffey Jr. scores all the way from first base, sending the entire state of Washington into chaos.
So Bone, along with all you other naysayers out there…The Burger has touched me, and I’m pretty sure if you open your hearts and souls to his broadcasting magic, he’ll touch you too.
[1] How awkward was it when you first had to wear a cup in Little League? Talk about a defining moment in a young athlete’s life. It took me 30 minutes just to get the protective part into the strap. And let’s not forget the humiliation of looking up at the high school hottie working the register as my father handed her my size small protective cup. And remember the first time you tried to run down to first base wearing that damn thing? It was like someone stuffed your baseball pants with a tortoise shell. But man, the first moment a ground ball takes a funny hop and cracks against your cup; you realize the strange, embarrassing journey was worth the price of gold.
[2] As Americans, is it birdies or shuttlecocks? I mean, how can you not use the term shuttlecock, right? That has to be the greatest name for a piece of sports equipment, EVER. And how did they even come up with that name in the first place? I mean birdie makes sense…but shuttlecock? Those crazy Brits, they love their potty humor.
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