Spring Ball - It Stinks So Good

Ahhhh…you smell that? The sharp scent of freshly-cut grass, the delicate aroma of flowers waking from their winter slumber, and the wonderful odor of perspiration and mold seeping from your Blue Chip red-shirt freshman linebacker destroying the sled with his 6’2, 245 lb. frame and 4.6 speed, as part of spring drills. In the words of the great Brian Fantana, “That’s the smell of desire, my lady."

You’re damn right, Mr. Fantana. The pungent, nostril-burning smell of desire was clearly in the air and on display over the past few weeks as college football programs held their closely monitored, NCAA-regulated officially-unofficial spring drills. And what would be spring drills without the annual “blue-gold”, “red-white”, “burnt orange-soft cream” games. It is at these well-scripted, minimal contact, we’re-not-going-to-show-you-a-damn-thing scrimmages that hope blooms for alums, renewed scrutiny sets in for coaches, and cheerleaders[1] realize that fans only care about back-flips and chants if they’ve been sucking down Jack & Cokes for the past six hours.

The other beauty of spring games is the media projections for the fall. Which program is on the rise? Which program has the most holes to fill? Which QB will take over the reins? Which conference will flex the most muscle? Which conference will most resemble a limp hand shake? (Pssst…here’s a hint…its initials are Big 10). And let’s not forget the pre-season Top 25 rankings. Mr. Stewart Mandel, college football columnist at SI.com, has put together his ranking of Top 25 teams coming out of spring drills. Now, we at MWC enjoy reading the musings of Mr. Mandel, but there are a couple of counterpoints we would like to express. So over the next couple of weeks, Bone, Rocca and I will dissect his list by conference. Bone and Rocca will offer up their insight on the ACC, SEC and other conferences benefitting from the blatantly obvious east-coast bias, while I’ll cover the Pac-10, that little school in the Midwest called Notre Dame[2], and other football programs west of the Mississippi…since no one else seems to care. Except for our boy, Musburger. Godspeed, Brent.

Next stop: Pac-10 country. Where speed grows on trees and QB’s party with Paris.

---

(1) Arizona State eliminated its cheerleading program this week because of “racy” photos that surfaced online. I’m not going to get into whether these photos merit the death sentence or not. But as a Pac-10 guy, I do want to ask you to join me in a moment of silence….….sigh………we’ve lost a good one, today. Party in Peace, ASU cheerleaders…your legacy will not be forgotten.

(2) Yes, I said Notre Dame, damnit. They will return to glory this year. If you don’t agree with me, and many of you sinners don’t, let me throw this out: is it merely a coincidence that Pope Benedict made his first trip to the U.S. after Notre Dame’s worst season in school history? HELL NO! (Pardon the language, your Excellency). Come on, even The Vatican wants the program resurrected, and who better to communicate a new game plan for the Irish than His Holiness…so what if he’s German. I have no doubt that during the Pope’s U.S. tour, Charlie Weis and AD Kevin White received a little additional “blessing” that will carry over to the season. Don’t believe me? Then just watch what happens when those heathens from Michigan take the field in the shadow of Touchdown Jesus. I’m not going to say it will mirror prophecy from the Book of Revelations, but let’s just say I’m not ruling it out.

I'm Worried About the Game

-First and foremost, we're stuck with the BCS system until 2013.


-A Michigan starter transferred to Ohio State. This was strictly bush league, but it is the Big 10, so I shouldn't be surprised.


-Notre Dame refused to play in Rutgers' home stadium. Props to Rutgers for saying f#ck off. Rutgers should be making such demands of Notre Dame, since Rutgers has a better program right now (that's right, L-Train, I said it). Poor UConn needed the money I guess.


-Instead of a playoff, we've got two new lame bowls - The St. Petersburg Bowl and the Congressional Bowl. I'm not making this up. Seven out of eight Big East teams will now make bowls, provided they 'excel' and finish 6-6. Bowl attendance is already terrible, outside of a few of the bigger games, so why keep adding these terrible matchups?


-Troy Aikman made the College Football Hall of Fame. Yeah, Aikman played on some great Dallas Cowboy teams and has three rings. But much like his mediocre NFL stats, his numbers at UCLA were strictly pedestrian - two seasons, a total of 39 TD passes, and about 5,000 yards. People keep throwing this guy in every HOF that comes up, because their memories are clouded by all those Dallas wins. He wasn't that good, in college or the NFL. Again he's being rewarded for what his great Dallas teammates did.

Mike & Mike, I Don't Want Your Pizza

I started liking Mike & Mike's radio show a few years ago, back when I used to drive to work. They seemed like nice guys, they had quality guests, and the show was intelligent, not overly provocative in that intentional shock-jock kind of way, and not quite as obnoxious as Sportscenter.

All of that started to change a year or two ago. ESPN realized they had something good, and as usual, they started to ruin it. The show got a little bit overblown. ESPN started running the show simultaneously on tv, which was okay, it was still better than Sportscenter. Then Mike & Mike starting turning up on Sportscenter itself, and that was a bit annoying, but I could still cope. The show was still on AM radio when I wanted it to be more low-key, and it was still a good show. I cringed a little as Mike and Mike became caricatures - Greenberg the pretty boy, Golic the ever-hungry ex-jock, but I stayed with them.

And then came the Domino's Pizza commercials. Mike & Mike shilling for crappy pizza like they were Abbott and Costello. While I appreciate Mike Greenberg offering that I've "got a new favorite day of the week," (I think that would be Tuesday, the day in which I can get two bland Domino's pizzas for like $4, which is still overpaying), I would prefer that he stick to sports. I never had a problem with Dan Patrick doing spots for Chili's (Friday's?), because he wasn't making an ass of himself. Mike and Mike are basically singing to me about pizza like two male cheerleaders on a speedball. I'm especially disturbed at how good they actually are at shilling for crappy food. They sound like seasoned pros. "Greeny!" "Golic!" "Pizza!" I can't take it, and I'm not sure I can ever listen to their radio show again.

Welcome to Hell, Orel Hershiser

2:03 PM EST - Orel Hershiser just became the latest in a long line of "pardners."

"On opening day, when Tommy Lasorda said, 'Orel, Bulldog, get out there and take 'em down for the Dodgers', what went through your mind, pardner?"

COME ON, PARDNER...SHOW SOME LOVE!

Let me say this folks, Bone speaks only for himself in that awful blog debut. He looks at ol’ BM’s broadcasting style as harmful and degrading to knowledgeable sports fans but I have a different view. Watching and listening to BM call a game is like looking into the eyes of little, infant baby Jesus. I’m overcome with an unmatched sense of awe and wonder, amazement and enlightenment.

What Bone calls favoritism, I call patriotism. Look at our mighty president, for example people. He obviously favors his ideas over anyone else, and he clearly has defined that behavior as an act of patriotism. Therefore, BM’s undying love for QB controversies in Columbus or sentences that start with “Mack Brown once told me…” are shinning beams of patriotism within the axis of sportscasting evil.

And I’m not alone in the crusade to spread the Good News being preached by The Burger. I am joined on this mission by Dicks. That’s right pardners; Dick's Sporting Goods is running a television campaign called "Heart"utilizing BM’s powerful influence to sell shoes, bats, shin guards and cups[1]. Brilliant…Brilliant I say. I was sitting on the couch with Wife No. 1 when we saw the commercial, and I immediately leapt up from my reclined state and demanded we go buy sporting equipment. I didn’t need anything, but need was not the point. The Burger spoke to me and I was not going to let him down. So I jumped in the car and drove immediately to Big 5 Sporting Goods. We’re Dick-less in Seattle, but that wasn’t going to prevent me from my mission of purchasing a badminton set[2], some whiffle balls and 3-pack of tube socks.

And buckle your seat belt because more patriotism is coming your way this baseball season, specifically tomorrow, as BM makes his glorious return to the MLB broadcast booth at Wrigley field for Brewers-Cubs game on ESPN. Here’s why this is significant. This is BM’s first baseball gig since Game 5 of the 1995 ALDS…aka…the single greatest sports moment of my lifetime. Edgar Martinez lines a double down the left field line off Jack McDowell and a blazing Ken Griffey Jr. scores all the way from first base, sending the entire state of Washington into chaos.

So Bone, along with all you other naysayers out there…The Burger has touched me, and I’m pretty sure if you open your hearts and souls to his broadcasting magic, he’ll touch you too.

---

[1] How awkward was it when you first had to wear a cup in Little League? Talk about a defining moment in a young athlete’s life. It took me 30 minutes just to get the protective part into the strap. And let’s not forget the humiliation of looking up at the high school hottie working the register as my father handed her my size small protective cup. And remember the first time you tried to run down to first base wearing that damn thing? It was like someone stuffed your baseball pants with a tortoise shell. But man, the first moment a ground ball takes a funny hop and cracks against your cup; you realize the strange, embarrassing journey was worth the price of gold.

[2] As Americans, is it birdies or shuttlecocks? I mean, how can you not use the term shuttlecock, right? That has to be the greatest name for a piece of sports equipment, EVER. And how did they even come up with that name in the first place? I mean birdie makes sense…but shuttlecock? Those crazy Brits, they love their potty humor.

Brent Musburger - The Man, The Myth, The History

I'm going to be honest: Brent Musburger isn't my favorite person. He's been torturing sports fans for many years now, practicing his black arts over the airwaves and causing many a college football fan to consider stabbing himself in the eye during games. Musburger chooses sides before a game even starts (usually openly cheering for either Ohio State, the next closest Big 10 school, or the school with the higher profile coach), gets overly excited about every single thing that happens in the game, and pounds you with his cheeseball folkisms. Here, with some assistance from Wikipedia, I have assembled a brief history of the dark Brent Musburger era.

1968 - In a newspaper column, Musburger refers to US olympians Tommie Smith and John Carlos as "black-skinned storm stroopers" after they give the Black Power salute at the olympic awards ceremony. Stay classy, Brent.

1980 - Musburger gets into a well-publicized brawl with Jimmy "The Greek" Snyder in a New York bar, likely while playing an early version of the Brent Musburger Drinking Game. The Greek apparently took exception to being the "pardner."

1990 - CBS finally fires Musburger, and though Brent will soon resurface at ABC, at least CBS ends Musburger's unholy NCAA Tournament work with college hoops prince of darkness Billy "Solid Screen" Packer. "Folks", if you don't remember Musburger working side-by-side with Packer, you are lucky.

1996 - During the Big 12 Championship Game, Musburger inexplicably refers to Nebraska RB DeAngelo Evans only as "DeAngelo" the entire game, perhaps mistaking him for the R&B singer. Meanwhile he refers to Texas RB Priest Holmes as "The Priest." This sets the stage for...

1998 - ...Major Applewhite's arrival in Texas, starting the era of Musburger calling him "The Major", destined to become a central facet of the Brent Musburger Drinking Game.

2005 - The police spot Musburger boozing it up in a car after the Pitt-Nebraska game, but instead of finally locking the man up for his years of crimes against human broadcasting decency, they only give him a citation.

2006 - Musburger's head nearly explodes as he is forced to call a Fiesta Bowl matchup
between his first love, Ohio State, and his second love, Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis. Musburger hesitates in choosing a side during the first half - Ohio State is winning, but Brent keeps cautioning us that a "professional" coach like Weis will surely make fast adjustments. In the second half, with Weis unable to defeat the Buckeyes with his mind, Musburger finally converts to his usual habit of openly rooting for Ohio State and thus avoids a nervous breakdown.

2006 - Musburger's tenure with Gary Danielson ends, sadly removing "Gary, my man" from the Brent Musburger Drinking Game.

2006 - Musburger causes a controversy by revealing secret USC hand signals during the broadcast of a Nebraska-USC game. Apparently Musburger was trying to add these hand signals to the Brent Musburger Drinking Game, and you can't fault him for that.

2006/2007 - Musburger is paired with a new "pardner", fellow Ohio State sympathizer Kirk Herbstreit, forcing college football fans to listen to two Ohio State fans during ABC Saturday night broadcasts. Herbstreit, at least, keeps his support of the Buckeyes to a minimum, most of the time.

My Bucket List

So a group of us were out to dinner the other night, and we discussed the recent Oscars selections, which is an entirely separate posting that we’re not getting into here. But I will take this moment to say Jon Stewart absolutely killed it. He was smoother than an Alabama Booster sliding a $100 bill to a fresh recruit…ROLL TIDE! Of course, Wife # 1 says I have a “man crush” on Mr. Stewart, and I think he can do no wrong. Look, just because I think he’s the most brilliant, hysterical and innovative mind on TV, and that I would pass up sideline access to the National Championship game in order to have a few beers with him doesn’t make it a “man crush”, right? More on this subject later this week…we need to investigate this further and clarify the rules.

So back to the point of this posting…Wife #1 and I were with friends the other night and the movie Bucket List came up in conversation. I saw the previews so I know the premise: Morgan Freeman and Jack set out to accomplish all these “crazy” things before they kick the bucket. I haven’t seen it…not that interested in thinking about Jack’s demise, to be honest with you. I like to carry around the image of Jack busting through the door with an axe, breaking out of the nut house, yelling at Lieutenant Weinberg for no apparent reason, and waving around a severed hand while eating his breakfast. Jack is by far and away the coolest man alive (Jon Stewart is a close No. 2), and I pray science can find a way to keep him alive forever. Come on, we can clone damn sheep, but we can’t develop a way to keep Hollywood’s biggest badass from aging? We men need guys like Jack, and I can’t be spending 2+ hours of my life thinking about his death.

This damn coffee…it’s making me all jittery and jumpy…can’t seem to stay on subject…ok, so the Bucket List. It got me thinking, what would be my Bucket List of college football games to see in person? Now, one thing you should know about me is that I’m a disciple of High Fidelity, both the book and film. Hell, I even saw the Broadway Musical[1]. I’m all about Top 5 lists, so I immediately began pondering what my “Top 5 College Football Games to see in person before I kick the bucket” would be. Now, I had some trouble sorting this out because I feel like I have seen some classic games, so was this to be an ultimate Top 5 or simply my Top 5, removing those games that I’ve seen from contention. After consulting with my fellow MWC cohort, Rocca, I have decided that this needs to be a list from my point of view. However, I do need to mention the three games that should be on anyone’s list that I have had the privilege to attend:

1. Army vs. Navy – I saw this game in Baltimore when both teams were winless heading into the match-up, and I swear it was like the Super Bowl. The amount of anticipation and desperation for both sides to come away with the victory remains unmatched. And when you watch every cadet and midshipman march onto the field prior to the game, you realize they are playing for something more than simply a mark in the win column. And let’s not forget the fly over[2]. Oh man, if you don’t get completely amped up watching the biggest and baddest flying machines rip right over your head, you may want to check your pulse.

2. Texas @ Texas A&M – I was fortunate enough to score tickets to this game in College Station, and that’s where you need to see this rivalry unfold. The home of the 12^th Fan is an absolutely incredible venue where the student section is constantly shouting cheers in unison. And everyone knows that football is the only thing that truly matters in Texas. And this game always seems to carry significant importance for one, if not both teams. Oh, and the amount of beer consumed pre and post should immediately qualify you for a liver transplant.

3. The Rose Bowl – The Grand Daddy of them all. Any bowl game that can make a parade cool has to have some kind of special “mojo” working for it. I was at the 1998 Rose Bowl (Michigan-WSU). My old man played LB for the Cougs from ’68-’71, so it was quite the event for the fam, as one can imagine…and one helluva game. But you don’t need any loyalties to appreciate the Rose Bowl. Just being among 100,000 of your closest friends in 80 degree Southern California weather is a pretty damn good way to start a New Year.

So with those crossed off my list, here is my current “Top 5 College Football Games to see in person before I kick the bucket” in no particular order:

1. Ohio State vs. Michigan – Now I know what you might be saying, “I thought MWC was committed to taking down the Big 10, yet this game is on your Top 5 Bucket List?” Hell, yes. And here’s why; I would get to see two programs I hate face off against each other, and simply knowing that one of them will suffer a crushing loss would be truly pleasing. It would be like watching Ryan Seacrest fight Spencer from The Hills. Both could use a good ass-kicking, but you settle for the fact that at least one will take a beating. But that doesn’t stop you from desperately wishing for a Rocky-Apollo moment, and they knock each other out cold. That’s how I feel about this game. And maybe someday both teams figure out a way to lose simultaneously, and I pray I’m in the stands when it happens. Plus the bitterness and resentment between these two schools is only matched by Duke-UNC hoops, so that would be entertaining to see up close and personal. But I will only go if I can find a way to listen to The BM calling the game. This game is his Oscars, his Golden Globes, his Tony Awards all rolled up into one. No way, do I miss his shining moment. By the way, “Ann Arbor is a whore” – greatest college T-shirt of all time.

2. Florida vs. Georgia: The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party – Do I really need to justify this answer? Fine…80 degree weather, unreal tailgate scene, national implications, hot southern chicks. So apparently Heaven isn’t some crappy baseball diamond in an Iowa corn field…it’s in Jacksonville. Too bad the ACC didn’t get the memo on how to host a championship game in Heaven (See below, plenty of good seats still available).

3. Notre Dame vs. Boston College: The Holy War - Many people (and when I say many, I mean the five people that read this blog) may look at this selection as a head-scratcher. But let me break this one down. I’ve been on the Irish bandwagon since the 1993 season, specifically since No. 2 ND beat then-No. 1 Florida State and Charlie Ward. And what happened next, BC pulls off the upset of the year with a FG as time expires to win 41-39 in the shadows of “Touchdown Jesus”, eliminating Notre Dame from national title contention. (How many upsets can Tom Coughlin pull off in a lifetime, seriously!) Now, I’m not even Catholic, but I have grown to love this rivalry. My personal stake in the rivalry has increased because Rocca is an obsessed B.C. alum, so that naturally dials things up. Added to the fact that I’ve endured B.C. winning the last five meetings, including last year in which Matty Ryan single-handedly brought Notre Dame back with his classic “Pick-6” passing skills, only to have the refs absolutely rob the Irish of a game-tying TD pass by uh…let me see…what’s the QB’s name again…give me a minute…something like Sharpie…ah, screw it…doesn’t matter because the ref called a RIDICULOUS holding penalty. (Watch the left guard - that's called BLOCKING). But now, I’m about to become personally entrenched in the Holy War. I will cross into enemy lines on November 8, aided only by Wife #1 and my lucky flask, to sit with Rocca in the student section in Chestnut Hill, MASS. Do you think they offer communion at halftime? Guess I’ll find out. By the way, “Rudy sucked. But he would have started at B.C.” - second best college t-shirt of all time.

4. UW vs. Oregon – Again, all six of you are probably cussing me out with this selection. But I’m a west coast guy and a Pac-10 loyalist. And there is no rivalry west of Colorado, north of California, and east of Hawaii with this much intrigue. Now the Pac-10 has natural in-state rivalries, just like most conferences, that tend to generate the most media attention. For example:

a. Cal vs. Stanford in “The Big Game” to bring home The Axe

b. Wazzu vs. UW in the “Apple Cup”

c. Oregon vs. Oregon State in the “Civil War”

d. USC vs. UCLA in the “Hottest Cheerleader” Contest (advantage Song Girls)

e. Arizona vs. Arizona State in “Winner gets to avoid sun stroke by sitting in the shade”

As you can see, several heated rivalries already exist, but the UW-Oregon game tops them all. If you ask any Beaver (go ahead and snicker) or Coug which team they NEED to beat, I guarantee you it would be their in-state foes. You ask any U-of-O or UW fan and they will whip out a tiny stuffed Husky or Duck and proceed to mercilessly tear it to shreds while cursing like a Long Island housewife. My brother-in-law, a die-hard Husky, won’t even set foot in the state of Oregon. Now granted, this is a guy who after a big win by the Dawgs in Eugene stormed onto the field and led the team prayer at the 50-yard-line…true story. There is no love between these schools…in any sport. I’ve heard Mo Morris get ripped by Seahawks fans (the Purple & Gold kind) simply because he graduated from Oregon[3]. I'm told the Ducks play highlights before every home game, and the largest roar is saved for Kenny Weaton’s 99-yard “pick-6” of a Damon Huard pass in 1994 that sealed the win…that was 14-years ago, people! These schools hate each other, and I look forward to being a part of this rivalry over the next few years, especially with the Ducks and Dawgs set to hook up for the season opener in Eugene on August 30. Oooh, I can already smell the venom in the air and I love it.

5. And my final selection is a nod to our other MWC contributor, Bone. How can I not want to be in Blacksburg, VA for a night game? I don’t care who the opponent is…hell, I may not even need to stay for the game. But dammit, just let me be part of this.

---

[1] Quick Review – as a loyalist to the book and film, I squirmed the whole way through. I wanted to like it, but it completely missed the mark. I found myself comparing all the characters to the film, and the plot lines to the book, and it never matched up. But the worst was the chubby guy tasked with the role of playing Jack Black’s brilliant “Barry” NSFW. None of the Bunny Ranch ladies could have sucked more than he did trying to bring this crucial role to life. I hope he’s back working as a singing waiter at the Stardust because a little part of me died that night. Oh, and the musical only lasted 10 days on Broadway before closing the doors so apparently I’m not alone in this review.

[2] Is there anything better than a sa-weet fly over to start a football game? Especially when it’s timed perfect; right after the last note of the National Anthem. Dude, give me a set of pads because I could run right through a wall after that. But with that, I have seen some truly dud versions where the timing is off, or they fly over something really unimpressive like one measly helicopter or a plane that looks like something you would board for an international flight. If you're ever planning a fly over, just remember the words of the immortal Chuck D: “Bring tha Noise!” If I can’t taste the jet fuel or feel the entire stadium shake in the aftermath, it ain't for me.

[3] I think the acquisition of TJ Duckett & Julius Jones for the Hawks has less to do with a lack of Mo Morris' productivity than the fact that former Husky Jim Mora Jr. wants a completely Duck-Free Zone when he takes over the reigns.